BIRD FLU AND DEAD SCIENTISTS AND DISTURBING IMPLICATIONS MINUTIA AND INCONSEQUENTIA How conveeeenient for the H5N1 virus that World Health Organization chief Lee Jong-wook has suddenly croaked, just as the world is learning about the first serious cluster of human-to-human bird flu transmission cropping up in Malaysia. Lee, a hero in his homeland of South Korea, died shortly after undergoing surgery to treat a blood clot in his brain. Or maybe it was a particularly nasty Morgellons bolus that did him in, which would bring up all sorts of disturbing implications. Speaking of the Grim Reaper, the theory that people with things in common die in clusters of three was given a boost this week when commercial photographer Robert Heinecken, "Coppertone Girl" creator Joyce Ballantyne Brand and country balladeer Billy Walker all kicked the bucket within a few days of each other. What tied these three people together? The fact that all three were allegedly "living legends" whom yer old pal Jerky had never heard of before their toes got tagged. At Pharoah High, Ramses was the biggest playa around. But when the new kid in school realized hanging with the in crowd wasn't so easy, he took a stand. Now the battle is on to see who can get the girl, who will rule the school, and to see if a zero... can become a hero. From the creators of Must Love Jaws comes a comedy 3000 years in the making: Ten Things I Hate about Commandments! The immensely talented Current TV crew tackles the Immigration Debate with their trademark eye for tragic irony. Great stuff! The Institute for Creation Research Graduate School is looking for serious students who are committed to excellence in science, education, and research and who are in full agreement with the ICR Tenets. In addition, the ideal student is committed to personal spiritual maturity and desires to communicate truths about the origin and operation of the creation to the Christian community and the general public. Our old pal Borat, from Kazakhstan, pays a highly entertaining luncheon visit to the nice Sean-Hannity-t-shirt-wearing mouth-breathers of the Arizona Republican Committee. He tries to lighten up the atmosphere with a traditional joke from back home, then... chaos ensues. Enjoy! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 18 On this day in 1804, tiny Corsican Napoleon Bonaparte is proclaimed Emperor of France by the French Senate. HUZZAH! Forty-five second-to-sixth graders are killed and 58 more are wounded when a huge cache of explosives planted by anti-tax activist Andrew Kehoe explodes beneath a school in Bath, Michigan, on this day in 1927. It took Kehoe a year to plan this atrocity, and months to pack the school full of explosives which he then detonated remotely, herding his victims for maximum carnage, before blowing up his own shrapnel-packed car with himself inside it. He even issued a number of vague threats before doing the dirty deed, but nobody caught on.

JOKES! Today's jokes were sent in by Ike N Relate! Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped her mother! Yo Mama's so ugly, her makeup case cringes! Yo Mama's so ugly, she can't be near glass objects, the shattering glass is too dangerous to anyone near her. But she's safe cause the shattering glass won't go near her! Yo Mama's so ugly, they won't let her in the zoo, she makes the animals faint! Yo Mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow dress people mistake her for a school bus! Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to give up farming cause the cows wouldn't come home! Yo Mama's so fat, it takes an entire herd of cattle to make her belt! Yo Mama's so fat, to find her twat you have to roll her in flour and aim for the wet spot! Yo Mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's! Yo Mama's so stupid, she can't remember the number for 9-1-1! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh?" The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma'am, I was just admiring the landing strip."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: ALL-NEW 'YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...' care of: PD63664 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think The Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65. [These are getting almost as bad as the Yo Mamma jokes. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOP Jerky, In reference to the Pentagon plane crash vid... where's the freaking plane??? This is supposed to allay my suspicions?? Show me some wreckage. I live 5 miles from where USAIR 427 went down. This plane went nose-first into the earth at over 200 mph with 132 people on board and they were carting out parts of plane and people for weeks. Every local EMT had a horror story to tell, like heads in trees, a nose over here, an arm over there. Two days after the crash my nephew, who lived 1 mile away, said that the air smelled like bacon (he was too young to realize the weight of what he said). Families of the victims were taken to the reconstruction hangar to view the wreckage, and there was almost enough to put the plane back together. So, if someone wants me to believe that a plane flew into the Pentagon all they have to do is show me the evidence and we can all go our seperate ways. But until then I shall continue to question, and all who believe this fiction to be true are none but sheep. That's my 2 cents worth. Thanks for letting me vent. YOP Rick [You're welcome, bud. That's what we're here for. - Jerky] *** **** *** It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. That pretty well describes my life as a college male in the 70's when both pussy and drugs were readily available in great abundance and no great effort was needed to satiate either carnal or pharmacologic desires. Unfortunately, it was also the time of Richard M. Nixon, Watergate, and Vietnam. Fortunately, his attempt to erase the Constitution wasn't nearly as successful as the 18 minutes of tape and he was forced to resign in disgrace. Fast forward 30 years. I'm in my 50's and the pussy is neither abundant, nor readily attainable to an old man like me and the only drugs I consume on a regular basis are antacids and vodka, usually at the same time. To make matters worse, George W. Bush is now our President and he has even less respect for the supreme law of the land than Nixon. What the fuck is a man to do in such a screwed up time as this when those who shred the Consitution are called patriots and those who defend it are labeled traitors? YOPTim [Samuel Johnson put it best when he declared: "Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels." - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, I think it's time to keep our eyes on the Rooskies; they're ready to go all-in and Dubya is sho'ly bluffin'. How crazy do you have to be to set the greatest country in the world up for a multi-front war (Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, North Korea, China, etc.,) then tell Putin (who doesn't lack 'nads) to go fuck himself, when we likely won't have enough troops left to guard our own borders before this shit even starts? Lovecraft help us all. -- Hiding in the Woods [Time to rent Red Dawn and take notes. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Do you see what I have to put up with around here? But Bush fatigue may be setting in even amongst the masses here in Utah. Who would have thunk it? YOP, Bob [So the Utards have been surpassed by the Idaholes, have they? And Utah and Idaho are the only two states in which Dubya scores over 50 percent approval? Interesting. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey - Have you seen The Century of the Self? It's by the guy who made The Power of Nightmares and it's all about Edward Bernays and the PR industry. You said you were doing some deep delving into current idiologies, this has a great examination of the manipulation of the herd. Cheers! Jack [I haven't, but it sounds like maybe I should. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOP Jerky, Please answer me a question. Firstly, I have no doubt that the Earth is warming up, at least the part I live in. I have heard and read many times from the tree-huggers about the hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica. My question is: What does this signify? Is there any real proof that this bids trouble or is it just a natural phenomena? Has it occurred in the remote past before the Industrial Revolution? Keep trucking; you're doing good, even if somewhat misguided at times. YOP Kenny"B" [The scientific opinion on climate change is that the average global temperature has risen 0.6 ± 0.2 °C over the 20th century, and that it is very likely that most of the warming observed over the past 50 years is attributable to human activities. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky! Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the voting booth, here comes more disturbing news about the trustworthiness of electronic touchscreen ballot machines. Demand accountability! Demand verifiable voting records! Don't let another election be stolen! - Matthew [Dude... I did what I could. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com